Just what it sounds like - a nice Jewish girl in NYC
A fundamental shift
I don't know why, but one of the things that I feel came out of dating Big Bird, was that I made a fundamental shift in the way I view certain things.
I am a person who has always been "responsible". I have always picked up the slack, carried the ball, done whatever needs to get done, etc, pick your analogy. I did it as a child in an abusive home, I did it as a homeless teenager, I did it as a financially independent college student, I did it in yeshiva, I did it ferociously in my married life, and I've damn well been doing it for the last year and a half as a single parent.
Shortly after I got my get, I saw a friend on sukkos and I was totally overwhelmed with my recent life change, dealing with my two kids, etc, and we were talking and she said, "AM, I get the sense that your whole life you've been the responsible one." And I don't know why it touched me so deeply but I just replied, "Yes," and started bawling. She touched such a deep place in me, something so core - that I am always responsible, I never get a break. Even when I got married thinking I would get a break from responsiblity, even a little one, I didn't get it. I was buried under my obligation to be responsible. And like all burdens, you get used to them. I got used to being a single parent. It rarely bothers me anymore (although don't talk to me at bedtime).
Part of being responsible was that it flowed through to all the parts of my life, yiddishkeit included. Part of the bad part of my marriage was that my ex consistently wore down any love I had for yiddishkeit with his constant denigration of it. It became something I was obligated to do, but had no desire for. Before I was married I davened shacharis every day, I said tehillim, I had a learning schedule, I went to shiurim. All of that disappeared when I got married. It got so bad that I almost never even said brochas or shema, much less davening or shemona esrei (in fact I can only remember davening shemona esrei once in 2003). I figured mentally, that so long as I met the base halacha for a woman (thanking hashem and praising hashem daily), I was at least doing the minimum.
Over the last year, BH I can say that I am again davening most of shacharis, although I was rarely getting to shemona esrei before running out of time in the morning. And as far as learning was concerned, most days I was too tired to do anything except clean up and go to sleep.
As I entered the world of shidduchim, I started realizing that there are things I want to do for me - like makeup, nicer clothes, etc, because I wanted to do them and because the made me feel good for myself, about myself, etc. Included in that is that somehow, I made a shift in my yiddishkeit as well. Instead of feeling that I am davening because I have to daven (and if I don't I'm a terrible person and a bad Jew), I am davening because I want to daven. And if I don't get past brochas and shema, that's also okay. I came to discover the freedom in doing things because I want to, not because I feel obligated or have a responsibility to do them.
And that's a HUGE freeing shift for me. I can't tell you how much my burden has lightened because I'm choosing to do things instead of feeling obligated to do them. And if I learn the parsha in English with Rashi or just read the base words in Hebrew without comprehending them, BECAUSE I WANT TO, I am also getting the schar for learning. Instead of just feeling guilty that oh, I am supposed to be learning the parsha every week, I am feeling free just by the fact that I am doing what I can because I want to it.
I don't know I feel like I'm not being clear here. I am free from the obligation and responsibility and that frees me emotionally to be able to want to do it for it's own sake. Does that make more sense?
I am a person who has always been "responsible". I have always picked up the slack, carried the ball, done whatever needs to get done, etc, pick your analogy. I did it as a child in an abusive home, I did it as a homeless teenager, I did it as a financially independent college student, I did it in yeshiva, I did it ferociously in my married life, and I've damn well been doing it for the last year and a half as a single parent.
Shortly after I got my get, I saw a friend on sukkos and I was totally overwhelmed with my recent life change, dealing with my two kids, etc, and we were talking and she said, "AM, I get the sense that your whole life you've been the responsible one." And I don't know why it touched me so deeply but I just replied, "Yes," and started bawling. She touched such a deep place in me, something so core - that I am always responsible, I never get a break. Even when I got married thinking I would get a break from responsiblity, even a little one, I didn't get it. I was buried under my obligation to be responsible. And like all burdens, you get used to them. I got used to being a single parent. It rarely bothers me anymore (although don't talk to me at bedtime).
Part of being responsible was that it flowed through to all the parts of my life, yiddishkeit included. Part of the bad part of my marriage was that my ex consistently wore down any love I had for yiddishkeit with his constant denigration of it. It became something I was obligated to do, but had no desire for. Before I was married I davened shacharis every day, I said tehillim, I had a learning schedule, I went to shiurim. All of that disappeared when I got married. It got so bad that I almost never even said brochas or shema, much less davening or shemona esrei (in fact I can only remember davening shemona esrei once in 2003). I figured mentally, that so long as I met the base halacha for a woman (thanking hashem and praising hashem daily), I was at least doing the minimum.
Over the last year, BH I can say that I am again davening most of shacharis, although I was rarely getting to shemona esrei before running out of time in the morning. And as far as learning was concerned, most days I was too tired to do anything except clean up and go to sleep.
As I entered the world of shidduchim, I started realizing that there are things I want to do for me - like makeup, nicer clothes, etc, because I wanted to do them and because the made me feel good for myself, about myself, etc. Included in that is that somehow, I made a shift in my yiddishkeit as well. Instead of feeling that I am davening because I have to daven (and if I don't I'm a terrible person and a bad Jew), I am davening because I want to daven. And if I don't get past brochas and shema, that's also okay. I came to discover the freedom in doing things because I want to, not because I feel obligated or have a responsibility to do them.
And that's a HUGE freeing shift for me. I can't tell you how much my burden has lightened because I'm choosing to do things instead of feeling obligated to do them. And if I learn the parsha in English with Rashi or just read the base words in Hebrew without comprehending them, BECAUSE I WANT TO, I am also getting the schar for learning. Instead of just feeling guilty that oh, I am supposed to be learning the parsha every week, I am feeling free just by the fact that I am doing what I can because I want to it.
I don't know I feel like I'm not being clear here. I am free from the obligation and responsibility and that frees me emotionally to be able to want to do it for it's own sake. Does that make more sense?
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